Anyone familiar with the world of appliance retail has heard the name Jed Kerplutsky. Kerplutsky wrote or co-wrote about just about every instruction manual handed out to every new appliance retail employee at just about every major appliance supplier in Northern America. Even before he became an administrator and an educator, Kerplutsky was seen as a man blessed by the retail gods; his sales were through the roof and his smile could land a toaster in a young mother’s minivan as fast as it could land his ass in the passenger seat.
So what’s the big news revolving around Jed Kerplutsky, the King of kitchen appliance retail? Turns out the squeaky-clean salesman just came back from a both spiritual and work-related journey to Japan, and he’s brought back a new product that promises to rock the English-speaking world.
Our story begins last winter, when Kerplutsky found that he couldn’t escape the nagging feeling that no matter how successful he was, a career selling washer-dryers was nothing to be proud of. Even if his unprecedented sales numbers proved him to be a capable man, his life’s focus on toasters and blenders then became proof of squandered talent. While Kerplutsky felt that he was too late in the game to start painting or something, he hoped to find some way to revolutionize the small pond where he had become such a big fish, as opposed to always just going with the flow and profiting from it.
Feeling that he needed outside inspiration, Kerplutsky purchased a one-way ticket to Japan despite knowing little about the Japanese appliance industry and far less about the Japanese language. Upon landing, he purchased a Japanese-English dictionary and asked the nearest man “How Go Hotel.” The man ignored him but his daughter Niko Yamamoto, age 28, heard him and offered to walk him to the nearest hotel in perfect English.
Niko ended up following the handsome and clearly wealthy Kerplutsky to his room, and inviting him to dinner with her family that night. It was at this dinner that Kerplutsky saw the family’s toaster, which used both electrically charged nichrome wires and steam in order to make the perfect toast. The toaster was a product sold only in Japan, and its patents only applied to suppliers selling within Japanese lines.
Kerplutsky and Niko went to an appliance supplier and bought another steam toaster for Kerplutsky. Originally he had intended to take both Niko and the steam toaster back to America with him, but Niko was not able to get through customs because Kerplutsky spend so much money on the steam toaster he couldn’t bribe the airport employees. With a heavy heart and a significantly heavier steam toaster, Kerplutsky was forced to enter the United States on his own.
Ever since his return to the states, Jed Kerplutsky has revolutionized the toaster market. The Kerplutsky Original Steam Toaster has already beaten out the second and third largest toaster suppliers in North America and its production is in such high demand that tiny hands can be expected to build KOSTs all around the globe.